So it’s been a while and a lot has changed. After the first two weeks of euphoria and carelessness, an anxious feeling started to creep through every once in a while. I started to question what I’d done, realising there would come a moment that I’d regret all of it – or at least parts of it. Nonetheless, those moments wouldn’t last long before they switched back to hypomanic me, being high on life and enjoying every bit of it. As long as no one confronted me with the silly stuff I’d done, I could just keep going.
Hypomanic madness: why fight something that feels so good?
Went to see my therapist yesterday and he told me I’m very likely hypomanic at the moment. I kind of knew already, but tried to ignore it. I just can’t understand how I would have to fight something that feels so unbelievably good. I know I probably sound like your typical hypomanic by saying this, but I don’t feel like I’m spinning out of control, so I don’t see any reasons to fight the good feeling.
Road to acceptance
I’m still on the waiting list for a general personality test and thus still waiting for an official diagnosis. The process of waiting is wearing me out, but my mood has been relatively stable for the past weeks. In this case, ‘relatively stable’ means my mood hasn’t been stable at all – as a matter of fact, I’m having mood swings on a weekly or even daily basis – but it hasn’t been extreme enough to drastically limit my functioning.
Because I’ve been waiting for months and will still have to wait for a month or two (at least), and because I kept begging my psychiatrist for short-term solutions to deal with my symptoms in the meantime, she sent me to a therapist who can meet me a little more often and finally give me some practical advice.
Hallucination: not as exciting as one may think
While still being stuck in the diagnostic procedure – they now told me they think it’s either Bipolar II Disorder or some sort of personality disorder, which means I might have chosen a fitting name for my blog after all – I’m getting to know myself better. For example, I recently found out I’ve quite likely hallucinated a couple of times.
Not bipolar?
It’s been a while since my last update. A lot has changed, but nothing really happened at the same time. The shrink spoke with my parents and boyfriend, which caused her to doubt the diagnosis the previous shrink had decided on. So now they want to take a general personality test, meaning I’m back in the waiting room for a few months.
The news came as quite a shock, because I’d gotten so utterly convinced that this diagnosis explains all major events that took place in my life. I finally felt like I knew something for sure, and that certainty got thrown away all at once in front of my eyes. The psychiatrist told me that it’s possible that they’ll end up diagnosing me with bipolar disorder after all, but they just want to do some more research first.
Diagnostic procedure
So last week I had an intake at the mental health institution and I actually felt pretty at ease at this place. I liked the shrinks, which is rather unusual for me. Mostly I get annoyed because I feel that they are too nice and afraid to get to the point.
Who to come out to?
Next Monday I’ll have an intake meeting at the mental health organization where I’ll hopefully be treated from then on. After telling so many people (GPs, psychologists, psychiatrists, study counselors, university professors, family, friends) about my problems I’m getting better at knowing what to tell and how to do it. Quite frankly it feels like coming out of the closet all over again. Let’s just get that out of the way then; I’m not only bipolar but bisexual as well!
Memorable manics
When my shrink concluded that I have bipolar disorder, she seemed to feel the need to comfort me, saying something like:
“But you know, many famous and interesting people have bipolar disorder! Stephen Fry, Carrie Fisher, Ernest Hemingway. Or well, he might not be the best example as he commited suicide..”
I wondered if they do the same when telling someone they have cancer:
“Yeah, it’s not a great thing to have, but hey, Lance Armstrong and Christina Applegate had it too! And many others who died of it, but let’s not focus on that now.”
Looking back
From the minute I got told that I might be bipolar up to the point that I got diagnosed, I’ve been constantly analyzing my life, looking for clues.
During my puberty I’ve suffered a depression that lasted for years and from the moment I finally got out of it – partially thanks to antidepressants – I have always felt that it was still there, somewhere luring from a little corner of my mind. Although I tried to convince myself that it’s totally normal for teenage girls to feel depressed and it’s often a hormonal thing that disappears during adulthood, somehow I knew that this was something bigger, something that I would have to carry with me and struggle with for the rest of my life.
Challenge accepted!
This week I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. At first I felt a sense of relief, as I was finally able to comprehend some major events that have taken place in my life so far. That relief quickly switched to despair, as I realized the seriousness of this disorder and the effort it is going to take me to learn and live with it.
Then again I’m up for the challenge and determined to use this diagnosis, not as an excuse for all the stupid things I have done so far, but rather as a tool to better understand my actions and prevent them for getting out of order in the future.
In the first place this blog will be a record of the way I deal with the disorder, though at the same hand it’ll contain the thoughts of a journalism student in her tweny-somethings figuring out what life’s all about.
I write this for me; anyone is invited to read along and learn from my mistakes.
Bipolar Bear 