As of 1 January, 2015, I’m no longer a single woman. Once again, I have been tricked into the bizarre world of having a boyfriend. He’s amazingly caring and mentally stable, which is probably exactly what I need, but at the same time exactly what terrifies me most.
Before my current boyfriend, I’ve been into three relationships that lasted longer than a year – two guys and one girl. And in all of those I felt like I had an important role to play, that of caretaker. Somehow I’ve always felt drawn to troubled people, who had issues just like me. And I guess it made me feel good to help them deal with those issues, probably because in return it made me feel a lot more stable, sane, and normal. Obviously, none of those relationships worked out, and I’ve always known that’s because I need someone to be able to take care of me as well. However, being rather anxious when it comes to commitment, it felt pretty comfortable to be the one who’s needed. The one in control.
Now here I am, for the first time, having to play the other part. The one in need.
My boyfriend, although it still sounds a bit weird to call him that, seems perfect in any sense of the word. I’ve known him for three years and although we hardly saw each other during those years – we lived in different continents for two of them, and I even had another serious relationship in between – we always kept in touch by writing letters and chatting online. Now he’s come to live in Ireland. Still about a 5 hour journey away from where I live, but manageable for the time being. I say ‘for the time being’, because we only have six more months of commuting to go; even though I’ve never even considered living together with anyone before, I’ve decided to move in with him this Summer.
He’s intelligent, organised, hard-working, social, funny, has a well-paying job and a lot of ambition, and all I keep thinking is: why the hell would he want to end up with bipolar me? And even when I put my insecurities aside and realise that I can be a pretty awesome and attractive person, it doesn’t take my fears away. What if I turn manic and ruin everything? What if I get depressed and bore him to the point of leaving me? What if he thinks I’m an attention seeker, or he just doesn’t understand the crap that goes on in my mind? What if it’s just impossible to have a relationship between a bipolar and a stable person?
Now, my brain knows that these questions are insane, but my mind somehow can’t stop thinking about all the reasons why it can’t work. So I posted my worries on an online forum on bipolar disorder. The reactions were heart-warming, to say the least.
“Try looking at it from this way. I have never had cancer and hope I never will. But if anyone I loved had cancer, I would go all out to support and work with them through it, come what may – because I would love them. I’d try my best to understand them and while I could become pretty good at it, I would never know what it’s like to live it.”
“Yes it can work. Been married four years now.”
“Been with my wife for 11 years, not exactly sure how or why she puts up with me but I’m glad she does.”
“I think being with someone sane and stable, is the biggest gift ever. I also have a partner like this of 3+ years, and count my blessings daily for him and that he loves me. We met while I was coming down from mania, so I was partially still manic. His stability while I was manic was key for me in healing. I still emotionally fluctuated but he remained flat and steady, always calm. For about a year. And now I’m much more boring and stable, and he stays with me. He was also very financially organized, and able to basically organize the household. A true gift. He didn’t mind that mine was disorganized from recent mania.”
To be honest, I don’t feel any less anxious about the whole thing than before I read those reactions. Though I do feel more determined than ever that I can make this work. Lithium seems to have an amazing effect on me so far, I’ve always wanted to live overseas and this guy makes me utterly happy every time I see his face – as I see it, the pros severely outweigh the cons.
Bipolar Bear 