Tomorrow morning I’m flying off to Japan to visit a friend for two weeks. I have to say I travelled loads in 2014, but most of that was work-related or just too short to really be relaxing, so going away for this long feels like a treat. I know that travelling is a huge trigger for me, and I only just started taking lithium, so I’m a bit wary about it all. However, my friend knows all about my situation and I’m sure she’ll be able to help me if something goes wrong.
It’s good to be away from work for a while – I really needed these days off. I noticed that having a full-time job, despite the structure and stability it gave me, has brought me a lot of stress as well. Which is mainly my own fault, as I’m extremely perfectionistic. Yesterday evening I had my final class of psychoeducation, where we spoke a lot about bipolar and work. One of the psychiatrists leading the course told us that we should only take up 70% of the work we think we can handle, as we’re prone to overestimating our abilities. I laughed out loud when she said that. Seventy percent? I’m not sure I would even be able to stick with a hundred.
Psychoeducation was a lot of fun, but very confronting at times as well. Hearing that the percentage of bipolar people able to work a full-time job is very small, made me question my own career. I would love to work a part-time job and am pretty sure it would make me a lot more relaxed and happy, but at the same time I want to be independent. I want to be able to live a comfortable life, without needing anyones support. Will that be possible for me?
Last time I talked about the insecurities regarding my relationship. This only adds to it. I don’t want to move in with my boyfriend and not be able to pay for half of the rent, regardless of how he would feel about that. Even if he was totally fine with me paying less than half, I wouldn’t be fine with it.
Maybe it’s denial in a way. As long as I can work a full-time job – like anyone else –, pay rent – like anyone else –, and take care of myself – like anyone else –, I don’t have to admit that there’s this disorder that makes me different. Financial independence is my pride, somehow. I’ve always known that I was different, but I’ve always worked incredibly hard to function the way society expected me to. And almost everything I did while manic or depressed had negative effects on myself, but not so much on my environment. I never got into debts or got arrested, for example. That way I could keep going for years without anyone noticing my problems, and I still keep going as if there’s no problems at all.
I know that I will have to start accepting this whole thing soon, but I don’t think I’m ready yet, I’m not ready to accept the limitations that this diagnosis imposes on me. The limitations that lithium imposes on me. I’m 23 years old and I can’t drink more that 3 beers without getting an awful headache the next day. I can’t stay up later than 11 without getting really sleepy. I can’t work 100% without getting insane amounts of stress. And maybe, just maybe, I can never work a full-time job without breaking down eventually.
Then again, those limitations are only one side of the story. I think that I’m wiser than most people my age, more creative than most people I know, more determined and ambitious than a lot of my fellow students, and I’ve seen more of the world already than both of my parents combined. And that’s definitely worth something. Being bipolar has taken a lot of things from my life, but it has also given me a whole bunch of crazy, awesome, unforgettable memories. And I definitely hope to make some more of those. Tokyo, here I come.
Bipolar Bear 