My trip to Japan was amazing in many ways. I was thrilled to see my friend again, to visit one of my favourite countries again and stuff my stomach with the delicious food it has to offer. Also, after spending nearly a year working full-time, getting diagnosed with bipolar disorder AND trying to write an MA thesis somewhere in between all that, I really needed the time off work. And it was good. Whether it was my friend, the sushi, the karaoke or seeing Mount Fuji through the train window – within days something helped my mind to let go of all the worries and stress that had been there for months.
I did notice the effects that travelling had on my mood. Especially the first few days, I woke up hours earlier than my friend, too excited to stay in bed (which resulted in me taking hundreds of pictures from her balcony). Signs of hypomania were there: I felt exhilarated and euphoric and definitely spent more money than I should have at some occasions. There’s no doubt about it that my mood was elevated, but I never felt like it was going to spiral out of control. I don’t even know whether it should be called a mild hypomania or just an extremely happy mood like non-bipolar people have on their vacations. Then again, whenever I’m hypomanic I’m usually unable to see how bad it really is, so it could’ve been more risky than I thought at the time.
Whatever it was, I enjoyed every second of it – until the day before I had to fly back home. Ever since I’ve been diagnosed and started taking lithium, I’ve noticed the symptoms of bipolar disorder getting weaker, while somehow other issues rose to the surface. I’ve been having more anxiety problems and difficulties in social situations, which I think are issues that I’ve always had (partially caused by PDD-NOS), but that were actually less evident the past few years because of the bipolarity. Being hypomanic took a lot of my social awkwardness and anxieties away, for instance. Strange as it may sound, the bipolar disorder gave me a lot of confidence.
The fact that these anxiety issues are coming up again is actually a good thing, because it means that my – much more severe – bipolar symptoms are now less of a problem in my everyday life than these little nuisances. Well, they might be more than nuisances. When I was about to leave Japan, the idea of going back to work started haunting me. My flight back was on a Friday, so I still had a weekend to relax before having to go back to work. The entire weekend I felt petrified. I kept asking myself things like: “How did I ever get this job that is clearly way above my league?”
Trapped in a bubble of despair, I started writing down ways and excuses to quit my job. But fortunately, somewhere deep in my brain, there was still this logical way of thinking that knew I was overreacting – that I was looking at a distorted version of reality. My rational mindset usually manages to convince me, and I set my alarm for Monday morning. And for some reason from the moment I woke up that morning, everything was fine. Or even better than fine: I felt energetic, looked forward to going to work and seeing everyone again, and had fun doing my job. I have no idea what made me so anxious and what made it go away in an instant, but I’m glad it didn’t end up with me ruining my career.
Right now I’ve been sick for a few days, and I can feel the fears creeping up again. It’s as if I feel like I need to make up for the two days I spent being ill in bed instead of working. I’ve gotten better at keeping my stress levels low, however. It’s hard for me to give less than 150%, but I do notice that it makes me feel more relaxed and stable overall. I realise now that it’s going to take longer than a few weeks to recover from years of instability and insecurity. It’s not as simple as taking a few pills every night – I’m going to have to change my habits, lifestyle and way of thinking, to a certain extent. And I guess that’s going to be my main focus for the next few months, regardless of how stressful my job might be.
Baby steps.
Bipolar Bear 