It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything here, but that doesn’t mean nothing happened. A lot happened, actually – I’ve been taking lithium for about two weeks now.
November was not a great month for me.
As usual when the days get shorter, my mood drops along with the temperature. The past year my mood swings have been extremely unpredictable and insanely short. I would hardly ever remain in a hypomanic/depressed state for more than five days before it crashed or jumped the other way. I’ve been logging my mood in a life chart since April, and it’s fascinating to look back at it now. Every month there would be about three or four days – sometimes none – at which I considered my mood ‘stable’.
During November, I basically felt depressed every day, ranging from slightly feeling down to constantly fantasising about death. In a way, it was a relief. Somehow, it felt better than the hysteria of constantly switching between euphoria and doom. I felt awful and didn’t feel like doing anything, but it took away some of the restlessness I’d been constantly experiencing for months. And, most importantly, it made me realise that something had to be done.
Both my psychiatrist and my therapist had told me several times that they thought a mood stabiliser could dramatically increase my standard of living. Being the rapid cycler I am, I could see that treatment without medication is hardly possible. Nonetheless I felt, and in a way still feel, reluctant towards taking lithium.
The main reason, obviously, is the fear of side effects.
I feel awfully vain for saying this, but the things I worry about most are appearance-related. The main reason I stopped taking the Zyprexa they prescribed a while ago, was because it made me gain weight really quickly. Also, lithium can cause extreme acne outbreaks – I witnessed this when I met someone who was bipolar and on lithium a few months ago. But even apart from those relatively mild side effects, there’s the possible kidney and thyroid problems that probably sound a lot scarier than they really are.
Though I think something else fuelled my negative attitude towards lithium. Once you start taking it, unless you get really bad side effects, you will be on it for at least half a year to a year. Ideally, you would stay on it for the rest of your life. Taking something like that, means having to come to terms with the fact that this whole bipolar thing isn’t going to magically disappear. And I guess that’s an issue I still haven’t been able to deal with properly.
On a positive note, the lithium seems to be working great so far.
Whether it’s a coincidence or the lithium is already doing it’s job, I experienced five consecutive days of stable mood – something that hasn’t happened for over a year probably. Also, the side effects aren’t bothering me yet. I’m drinking loads, need to pee a lot, am a bit tired and nauseous at times, but that’s about it. I’m pretty sure I actually lost weight, because my appetite has gone down a little since I started. All that can change pretty quickly, because they’re still adjusting the dosage to get my lithium levels right (just went from 400 mg to 800 mg a day), but right now I feel pretty confident about it all.
Bipolar Bear 