Yesterday I had my first group meeting, and I have to say I had an amazing evening. At the same time I was confronted with a fact that up until now I have been able to deny from time to time: I have bipolar disorder. It was uncanny how familiar some of the stories of the other patients sounded, and how certain they made me feel that I was in the right place. There were about seven or eight of us and everybody had brought a buddy. Most people brought their significant other, but as I don’t have one at the moment, a good friend of mine joined me. The meetings are meant as a kind of education, to learn more about the disorder, and as a way to meet and talk to people who understand what you’re going through.
In a way I felt a bit left out, because I was the youngest of the lot I’ve only just got diagnosed – to be precise, I haven’t even gotten diagnosed yet, they’re still doubting between type I and type II apparently. Most of the others had been in treatment for over ten years. Some talked about suicide attempts, others about severe manic episodes, and one woman had been treated with Electroconvulsive Therapy and had lost about twenty years of her memory. Their stories made my problems look awfully insignificant, and at the same time they seemed like warning signs: ‘this is what could happen if you don’t commit to treatment’.
One of the main reasons I’m going to these meetings is because I’m trying to figure out whether or not I should start taking lithium. My psychotherapist has told me several times that he believes it will be helpful – or even necessary – but somehow I’m still too scared to go ahead and take it. Yesterday I also stopped taking my Olanzapine, because I didn’t feel like it was helping me as much as I’d want it to. Despite taking the meds regularly I had a hypomanic outburst last month, and the pills don’t do anything against my depressive symptoms, that have been surfacing more and more lately. On top of that – though I’m a little ashamed that this was one of the reasons – the weight gain was bothering me a lot. Hardly eating anything and still gaining weight is just inexplicably frustrating.
So yeah, I’m going to try and cope without any medication for a while, at least until I’m meeting my new psychiatrist in a week and a half. Unless of course I’m starting to show signs of (hypo)mania. As long as I’m getting enough sleep, I’m probably doing fine. Also, there’s another group meeting on Tuesday, so if I’m acting weird someone will probably notice. Looking forward to the next meeting though, I really feel like it’s going to be very helpful and I can’t wait to hear all the other people’s stories in more detail. Not knowing anyone who’s bipolar, I’m only just starting to realize how bad I need to hear those stories. There’s a weird sense of relief in being amongst people who can relate to what’s going on inside your head.
Bipolar Bear 