So, it’s been almost a month since my last post. Still taking the Olanzapine every night, because I came to realize that I definitely wasn’t able to control myself without it. How? Well, let’s say I found out the hard way. The Olanzapine had such an immediate effect on my mood – from the day I started taking it, I was able to sleep regularly and function normally at my internship again, as if nothing had ever happened – that it caused my to think that my hypomanic episode was over. At the same time the meds had some side effects that I thought were annoying, like constant cravings for food and difficulties getting up in the morning. So I figured: why not stop taking the meds? Looking back, I’m pretty sure this decision was influenced by the hypomania still lingering in my brain, seducing me to give in and ride along on the wave of euphoria and, eventually, disaster.
So I stopped taking my meds. Twenty-four hours later I had almost been hit by a car, taken different kinds of drugs, gotten involved in a threesome with two guys and called in sick at work because of the hangover. The positive outcome of it all: a serious reality check.
Let’s rewind for a minute to when I stopped taking my meds. The next day, on a Sunday, I had plans to go to a small music festival with some friends. From the minute I woke up – at six AM, without using any kind of alarm – I realized I had jumped straight back into my overly euphoric self. I loved it. All day I walked around with my head in the clouds, and everything was amazing; the music was wonderful, the beer tasted great and I, of course, was the sexiest person in the world.
When I almost got hit by a car I didn’t think much of it, except that I found it hilarious. The three friends I was with were a little more shocked. They saw me crossing the road without looking either left or right. To them it was obvious that a car was coming, but my thoughts were somewhere else and I walked straight into the vehicle. Fortunately, the car only drove over my foot. If it had hit me, I’m pretty sure I would’ve been seriously injured, or worse. However, those thoughts didn’t appear to me until the next morning, when I was lying in bed with a hangover.
When the evening came around, I was hungry for sex, so I texted a guy I had hooked up with before during a hypomanic episode, and asked if I could come over. He was with a friend and they were smoking weed and using laughing gas. I had a lot of both, whilst drinking loads of alcohol too, and ended up in bed with both guys. I’ll spare you the details, partially because I don’t want to share them, partially because I don’t remember that much from the night.
I remember how I felt the next morning, though, because I felt awful. I felt ashamed and miserable, and didn’t want to see anyone that day. So I called in sick at my internship. It was the third time in about a month that I called in sick because of a post-hypomanic hangover. More than ever I knew that this had to stop.
So ever since I’ve been a good girl and have taken my medication, knowing that the side effects are way better than what happens when I stop taking it. The Olanzapine is a temporary solution though. With the weather getting more grimmy, I’ve noticed that the same is happening with my mood. The Olanzapine works great for the hypomania, but won’t do anything against my depressions. So the next step might be a mood stabilisator, although I’m still not 100% comfortable with having to use medication. Then again, I know for sure now that there’re some things that I can’t control myself, no matter how strong I think I am.
Bipolar Bear 