I’ve neglected this blog for a while (to be honest I kind of forgot about it), but feel ready to start updating again. Right now I feel better than I have for a very long time, as I’ve finally been able to close two chapters of my life that caused immense stress for over a year: I graduated and got my MA in Journalism, and I quit an amazing but very exhausting job in the same field.
I was getting extremely close to having a burnout, or possibly even had one, and it took me a couple of weeks to become the person I recognized as ‘me’ again. But now that I am back to my normal self, I realize how long I hadn’t been feeling ok. I think due to the bipolar diagnosis I didn’t recognize the burnout until after it had happened, because I labeled all the symptoms I experienced – exhaustion, mood swings, insomnia, impaired concentration, anxiety, pessimism, irritability, isolation, feelings of hopelessness – as having to do with either the bipolar disorder itself, getting used to lithium or having problems accepting the diagnosis.
However, I did realize that something was off. I kept trying to tell my boyfriend that this crying, pessimistic, anxious wreck wasn’t the real me. But after a while it felt more like I was trying to convince myself, because I couldn’t even remember how it felt like to be the ‘real’ me. Now I do, and it feels amazing.
After graduating and having worked my final day, I felt this huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I didn’t immediately feel better, but at least I felt a bit less anxious. Still I kept waking up stressed, because I felt like I had to do something productive every single day (I had been working 4/5 days a week, and working on my thesis on my ‘free’ days, often working late nights, for over a year). It took about four to six weeks – two of which I forbade myself to do anything productive – to start feeling better. During those weeks I spent quality time with friends, bought a colouring book for adults (best idea ever!), read some books and started cooking a lot of healthy meals for myself (I had gotten used to eating instant noodles or microwave meals for dinner). After a while I suddenly noticed that I was actually fully enjoying things, and that I was able to have a positive outlook on my life again.
I feel confident and stable, and am very excited about moving in with my boyfriend and living in Ireland for the next year. But I have also learnt something important about listening to my body. I don’t know whether I should call what happened to me a burnout, a semi-burnout or whatever, but I know that the next time it might not be as simple as two months of rest to get over it. Although I’m excited about trying to work as a freelance journalist, I know that it’s going to be challenging as well. I know I’m a perfectionist, and that this can affect me in both positive and negative ways. I always feel like I have to do as much and work at least as hard as everyone around me, but maybe I also have to accept that I’m more sensitive to stress than a lot of other people. Another important lesson: not every instability and mental issue in your life is part of your disorder.
For now, however, I’ll be busy packing boxes – which is also a very relaxing thing to do, by the way. I’ve realized how materialistic I was becoming, and it feels cleansing to get rid of a lot of stuff I never use and clothes I never wear anymore. I haven’t bought any new clothes in months, and hope to keep it that way. I’d rather spend my money on travelling and on good food – not on a ten euro dress made by children in Myanmar.
But first, I’ll have to get settled in Ireland; just two more weeks until the big move!
Bipolar Bear 